I have never done a same sex wedding.

 Up until the Supreme Court decision, I have only been asked once. That contact was a call for a wedding between two women.

At the time such weddings were illegal in Missouri.  The legislature, in prohibiting same sex weddings, put a provision in the law that even the use of the word “marriage” in a ceremony between two same sex people was illegal and grounds for an officiate to lose their right to perform any wedding ceremonies in Missouri.

I explained to the couple that I would be glad to perform a Covenant ceremony, joining them in a Covenant,  but I couldn’t use the word "marriage" because of the law. 

The couple was quite insistent on the word “marriage” had to be used throughout the ceremony.  I told them I would be glad to marry them in Illinois (which at the time allowed “civil unions,” and had no prohibition against using the word “marriage” in a same sex ceremony.  When I told them I just couldn’t do that in Missouri without the possibility of losing my right to perform marriages…they hung up.

Now the right to be married for both heterosexual and homosexuals is the law of the land.  On the day of the Supreme Court decision I got a call from two guys who wanted to get married and wanted to know if I was willing to perform the ceremony.

I told them yes. I am awaiting a return call.

Funny Weddings

I had reservations when the first couple told me they wanted a wedding that was funny.   They explained that they were a fun, funny couple and they wanted their wedding to reflect that.

I had reservations.  I believe that a wedding is a very significant step in a person’s life and a wedding ceremony event should reflect that.  I was concerned that if a wedding was funny that (if only in appearance) the couple wasn’t taking it seriously.

But. I also believe that people should be able to be married the way “they” wanted, not the way I want…. a problem I have heard about from quite of few couples that have come to me after consulting other officiates. After pondering all this I reasoned I could still add humor to a wedding to reflect the couple’s desires, and yet have the wedding still reflect the significance of the event and couple’s serious intention to share their life with each other.

Once I got that far then came the dilemma of accomplishing that.  And it wasn’t easy.  There are a couple of problems.

The first problem of doing a funny wedding is…. what is funny to me isn’t necessarily funny to you. 

It took me some time but I was able to accumulate some humorous text, readings and “events” during the ceremony that fit.  At least they were funny to me.

But that didn’t necessarily mean it would be funny to the couple or to the guests.  My solution?  I build the ceremony from the input I get from the couple when I go through with them what I call the Preliminary Ceremony Questionnaire, a document I have built after 20 years of marrying couples. This questionnaire makes it easy for me to help a couple plan their wedding.

Then I build a pretty ceremony that reflects the choices that we discussed in the wedding planning with the couple.  After that is done, I put all the humorous text, humorous readings, and funny “events” in highlights throughout the ceremony. Then I send the wedding to the couple and I let the couple choose…what they think is funny and what isn’t and just how much of the “funny” that they want to include.   I even encourage them to add things of their own that they think is funny. 

One tip I will share…. Let the important people know up front…like the Father of the Bride. I never want to have “that discussion” again after the ceremony because the father didn’t know up front. 

The second problem in doing a funny wedding is Timing and Pacing.  Not everyone can tell a joke. At least not well.  I was a nationally known entertainer when I was young and a professional seminar presenter when I got older. I learned to read an audience, and how to take them where I wanted them to go. Part of that skill is learning timing and pacing…the art of the pause.  You learn with practice. And I’ve had a lot of practice.

The third problem is you must have a thick skin and a lot of confidence.  Because sometimes a joke just doesn’t work.   It falls flat on its face. And you just have to keep going.

Now I find there is an increasing demand for humor in the initial consultation. But in the end after the couple reviews the wedding text and send me back their requested changes….most use just a little. Some none at all.

Funny works better in non-religious ceremonies…but I get more requests for humor in religious weddings. What’s up with that?

I am sometimes asked why I use a wedding agreement.

The first reason is that a successful wedding is all about the details. Not all weddings are complex, but many are. By spelling out in the wedding agreement exactly what the wedding is supposed to be, it avoids many problems. It also spells out who is responsible for what in the wedding so there are no misunderstanding.

We are proud of the fact that only twice in 20 years have we been asked to refund the money paid for a wedding.

 In the first the bride wanted one kind of wedding and the mother wanted another.  I wrote the wedding the way the bride wanted it. The mother wanted it changed, the daughter didn't.  Since I wouldn't change it to the way the mother wanted unless the daughter agreed but she didn't. The mother was paying so she hired someone else and demanded her money back. I wouldn't have had to give it to her, but I did.

In the second, I became ill and had another minister do the wedding. They didn't like the fact that she was female and claimed that she did a poor job.  I had received nothing but compliments on the weddings she had done previously, but I refunded the money anyway.

I think one of the reasons I've only been asked for a refund twice in twenty years is that I use a wedding agreement and everyone's expectations are clearly spelled out.

The second reason I give a wedding agreement is that if I agree to do a wedding, unless I can't get out of bed because of illness (once in 20 years) or am dead I will be there to give you the Beautiful, Meaningful and Memorable wedding you desire.

 I pick up a lot of last minute weddings. I get a call from a frantic bride or groom who had someone else who was supposed to do a wedding, sometimes another officiate,  sometimes a friend or family member who gets ordained so they can do the ceremony (Note: This type of ordination for a wedding has been challenged in divorce proceeding as not valid in some states) In any case they had someone else booked to do the wedding. At the last minute the person set to do the wedding backs out.

If you book me for a wedding you will receive a wedding agreement that is my commitment to you that I WILL be there to do your wedding.

I married a couple recently at the Tapawingo  Golf Club, a facility that I had never done a wedding before.  Here are a few photos from the celebration.

The bride, the groom and the minister.  A  wedding is a significant event in anyone's life.  I am always amazed by the folks who shop for the cheapest minister rather than the best.  They call and instead of trying to learn about the services and ministers their only question is "What is the price? "

It reminds me of the joke about the astronaut climbing aboard the rocket about to take him into space who said, " I understand that I face incredible odds and many unforeseen dangers as I climb into this rocket, knowing full well that every nut, screen, O- ring, seal and gasket was selected because it had the cheapest price."

Considering that the cost of the officiate or minister is one of the cheapest elements of the wedding, it is my belief that selecting your minister by price alone,  is an unwise way of thinking.  I'll admit I am not the cheapest officiate in town so maybe I'm prejudiced.  For the record....I'm not the most expensive either.

If you are looking for a wedding minister my advice to you is remember the headline on this blog.

At your wedding all eyes are on three people. Your choice of minister is more important than an upgrade in the reception costs for seat covers, or whether the buffet choice is roast beef over chicken.

Because a year after your wedding no one will remember whether they ate roast beef or chicken or whether they seats had covers or not.

But if the minister doesn't provide a ceremony that is Beautiful....Meaningful....and Memorable it probably won't be remembered at all or perhaps will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.  And we guarantee it isn't a Remembrance Wedding, or one done by one of our associate companies.....WedXpress and EZ-Wed Elopement Services.

Because of our mission and our money back guarantee is that we will provide you a "Romantic Personal Wedding Ceremony You'll Remember Forever....Beautiful....Meaningful....Memorable.

But if cheap is what you seek, go on line and get a friend ordained by the Church of What's Happening Now, or some other outfit that will make you a minister (of sorts) for free. I'm sure your friend can come up with just the right words, rituals et al to make a perfect wedding.

In some states there are suits that have been filed that contend that weddings performed by such ministers are not valid.  I doubt that the courts will side with that point of view...separation of church and state.  The lawyer fees to prove it one way or another won't be a lot of money I'm sure.  Just be sure to look for a lawyer with "cheap" in the ad.    

  Once upon a time I wrote the copy for my Remembrance Weddings website and I really tried to put as much information as I could that would be helpful, not just in picking an officiate but also in planning the wedding ceremony for couples.

Being a writer (my first college degree was a Bachelor of Journalism Science from Ohio University, one of the nation's finest journalism schools) I felt like I had accomplished that, and judging from comments I received from brides, they thought it was helpful.

Now we are in the age of search engine optimization.  People hunt for wedding ministers on search engines. If you don't show up on the first page of the search results you never get any calls. The search engines have rules about what you can do and say on your site. If you violate those rules they bury you on page 1439 of the results, a fate worse than death if you are trying to keep a business going.

So you study the rules and do your best. I took a college course in Search Engine Optimization and did well in the class only to find out that all the rules were changed two months later.

It's frustrating because sometimes the rules make no sense.  Do you know that you can't use the word "wedding" too many times on a wedding officiate web site cause the robots may thing that you are trying to scam them and you get penalized.  They don't tell you, you just get put in the back of the line and you realize your phone hasn't rung with prospects for months.

Oh, you can hire companies that cost big bucks to do it for you.  And they can help sometimes. I had a big outfit for a while (two years) but then I got penalized because a lot of bad sites (porn mostly) attached links to my site without me knowing or seeing them. Many were buried.  I disappeared from searches for a while.

I've been feeling for a while now that the search engines do all this because they want to force you to pay to be on the first page of the search. It seems to be working, as I see more and more of my competitors paying the be there.

I've hired a new person who started working with me on the site.  I did it because I was spending all my time trying to figure out the rules and making changes to the site, instead of other things I need to do. She's made the site prettier and the navigation is easier.  And she has put up with my ranting.. Thanks Carolyn. The new site has been up for a week now. Yesterday we were going through it and 10 porn sites, mostly Russian, had attached links.

Now she is going through the site and besides removing the porn links, she is shortening the copy and making it more robot friendly. That's something they didn't teach me in the School of Journalism at Ohio University.

Can you tell I'm frustrated?

Just when we thought we had seen all the places where folks celebrate weddings we found there are some we were not aware of.
One of several gazebos. This one with pond and fountain.
Just two weeks ago we discovered two beautiful places we had never done before: The Missouri History Museum in Forest Park and the Larimore House.

I don't have photos of the History Museum wedding yet but I will share them when I receive them.  I wanted to share some photos of the Larimore House, a beautiful venue in Spanish Lake.

Larimore House has several gazebos for outside weddings, plus a house built in the 1800's for staging and and a barn built in the 1860's that has been updated and converted to a chapel and reception facility. 

There are ponds, fountains, creeks, bridges and many more perfect photo spots throughout the facility.

I conducted my recent wedding at a pretty gazebo all made out of stone.  As you can see in the photo on the right it is a pretty setting.

 This was my first wedding at the Larimore House and I must say I was impressed.

Not all of our weddings are in special wedding venues.

 We offer full service weddings through Remembrance Weddings (www.remembranceweddings.com) at residences all over the Metro Saint Louis, St. Charles and Southern Illinois.  We also offer "short and sweet" weddings at residences through WedXpress (www.wedxpress.com) and elopement packages through EZ-Wed Elopement Service (www.ez-wed.com.)

The same week we did our weddings at Larimore and the Missouri History Museum we did a fun wedding at a residence in south St. Louis County.
Mr. and Mrs.Smith
The ceremony was performed under a tent erected in the back yard of a south St. Louis County residence. The bride and bridesmaids looked traditional with the addition of boots.

Groomsmen were decked out in caps, camouflage with their  jackets and boots.

Bales of hay and traditional fall decor filled out the decorations.

Up front I need to clarify that most of the topics in the WedNewsDay blog are things that are important in planning the type of wedding we call "Pretty and Planned." These generally are 25-30 minute weddings that allow enough time to make the wedding personal to the couple. This wedding is often accompanied by bridesmaids, groomsmen and guests. Choices in this type of ceremony are almost endless but don't worry, we have 20 years experience as the Premier St. Louis Wedding Officiants helping you make your ceremony "just what you want."

Personally I think everyone deserves a 25 minute wedding, but I have learned that a fair number of folks really do want a wedding that is "short and sweet." so we gladly provide them.

Remembrance Weddings also does weddings we refer to as "Short and Sweet," or our WedXpress services. These weddings are 7-10 minutes long, not enough time to do much more than cover the basics. We do this with beautiful words but there isn't enough time or frankly enough fee involved for a lot of customization. These weddings are often just the couple and a few witnesses. Our short and sweet weddings are not "courthouse weddings." Our words are pretty and meaningful. Your choices in this service are limited 1. non religious or religious  2. With an exchange of rings or without an exchange of rings.

This week I want to talk about setting the tone you want your wedding to have. Again we are talking about the Pretty and Planned" type ceremony.

Tone? What is he talking about tone? 

Most weddings have pretty much the same tone.  In the past most weddings were religious and governed by the policies of whichever church was celebrating. The tone was SERIOUS. Today most wedding ceremonies are pretty traditional and serious.

Before I go further let me say I'm a big believer that a wedding and marriage is one of life's significant events, and that  your ceremony should reflect that.

But a wedding can still be significant and have a tone other than traditional. Weddings can also be very pretty, and memorable, even filled with humor. We do them all the time.

So think about the tone that represents who the two of you are as a couple. And we will gladly make it happen for you.

I'll admit I'm prejudiced.... I've been involved in music most all of my life.

For those who are interested in making your wedding stand out. Music can represent who you are as individuals and as a couple.

Most folks go with pretty traditional music. Same tunes at the same times. Those who add a little more include a singer or some strings. Same songs ....bigger budget.

For most of us (again I'm prejudiced,) music is the soundtrack of our lives. We identify with some tunes as a couple and many as individuals.

Using your own soundtrack you can customize your wedding music in a lot of different ways.  Add a mix of traditional and the music that reflects the mood you want to create, the jubilation that you feel, "your songs" as a couple or however you want. Use your dj, musicians or a capella singers to perform your music plan.

This doesn't have to be expensive. Most folks know some singers and musicians that could be pressed into service.

Listen to the words of modern songs just to make sure they reflect what you are looking for not just the feel. Need an example?  I had a couple who used traditional music throughout the ceremony. After I pronounced them husband and wife I introduced them to the attendees. Quietly building as they stood for the applause, " I thought love was only true in fairy tales, for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me (heh, heh, heh, heh....that's the way it seemed. Disappointment haunted All my dreams.

Here is an earth friendly wedding practice I'd like to encourage and spread to others. I think it is definitely an idea that should be promoted.

I recently officiated a wedding (I also was a guest) where the couple was environmentally conscious. As the centerpiece on all the reception tables amongst the ribbons, flowers, and baubles were glass containers with tiny evergreen trees. There was a tree for each guest that sat at the table. The centerpieces were gorgeous, befitting the beauty of the wedding itself.

There was a card at each place at the table."Thank you for being part of our wedding. We will remember this special day as long as we live, and we would like you to be able to remember our day too.  Please accept as our wedding gift to you one of the trees in the glass containers which are part of your table centerpiece. 

Please take it home and plant it in an appropriate spot, give it water as it settles in, then watch it grow. Five, ten, fifty years from now you can look at the giant tree it has become and remember that you got it at our wedding. 

We hope you will enjoy our gift to you. We know the earth will benefit from the planting."

There were Yugo Pines, cypress, white pines, fir trees, junipers and more, a very nice selection. Each guest could select which tree they wanted to take home and plant.    

If the tree type you wanted had already been selected you could trade with others or pick one that was left on another table.

What a nice wedding guest gift. Ten, fifteen and twenty years from that special day guests who took home a tree and planted it will still remember where it came from.

I checked on line (Googled live tree wedding favors) and came up with some sources.

Prices start at $1.25 and go up.

Sources of Trees:

http://www.greenworldproject.net/wedding.php

http://www.arborday.org/Shopping/GiftTrees/weddings.cfm

http://www.themagnoliacompany.com/seeds/wedding/weddings-products.html

http://www.naturesgiftsandmore.com/tree-seedling-wedding-favors.html

How to Fight Fair . Courtesy, Compromise and  Common Sense in Conflict
It's so logical....why is it so hard to do

Because nobody taught you how. Not just you....really, who do you know that has taken conflict training. Almost nobody has. That compounds the problem. Not only has nobody taught you....guess what? Your spouse hasn't been trained either.

This topic that has been written about many times and will many times more. The trick is to disagree (argue, fight) to resolve the quarrel without damaging the relationship. This week's blog is a compilation of principles taken from a seminar I did with Dr. Harry Bradley, psychologist and new material I have pulled from articles found in my additional research.

When you don't fight fair you add to the baggage that you carry around with you about your partner and how you feel about the relationship. And as I am fond of saying....eventually there is too much baggage to be made into matched luggage. When you don't end up with matched luggage it leads to separation and divorce.